ACD's Genuine, Unbelievably Super-terrific Philadelphia Cheesesteak

Want a naughty break from your regular, healthy, gourmet-quality food fare (your regular food fare is always healthy and gourmet-quality, right?)? I did last night, and rustled up this naughty, non-gourmet-delicious hot sandwich.

(CAUTION: If you're a "healthy food" freak, diet freak, physical fitness freak, or — Lord preserve us! — a vegetarian, this is not for you, and I don't want to hear any whining complaints or hysterical, paranoid predictions of cardiac doom from any of you. Just don't make or eat this sandwich, but let those who choose to do so enjoy themselves guiltlessly.)

What You Need (NO substitutes permitted)

(1) freshly baked, good quality “torpedo” roll
(135 grams) well-marbled, choice quality top round London broil sliced across the grain into thin "leaves" (best if you cut this yourself from a very well-chilled piece of meat using a razor-sharp chef's knife)
(2) squares of single-slice-pack WHITE American cheese (Kraft or Bordens is good)
(1/2) fairly large Spanish onion
(1) HOT cherry pepper (Cento is good)
Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce
McCormick powdered sage
McCormick powdered garlic
McCormick dried oregano
salt
freshly-ground black pepper
extra-virgin olive oil
Heinz ketchup

Preparation

Preheat oven to 250F.

Double-julienne the leaves of meat into strips about 3/4" X 1/4". Add to taste: sage, garlic, oregano, salt, and pepper. Toss well. Add generous amount of the Lea & Perrins. Toss until all the strips are well-coated. Add small amount of olive oil. Toss until all the strips are well-coated. Set aside to marinate while you go on with the rest of this. (Note: Do not add the oil before the Lea & Perrins as if you do, the L&P will not saturate the meat properly.)

With the flat side down on the cutting board, slice the hemisphere of onion into thin half-moon slices. Separate all the strands and set aside. Cut the hot cherry pepper into small strips (after removing the stem and seeds), and set aside. Cut cheese squares in half and set aside.

Over a medium-low fire, heat a few ounces of olive oil in a large, heavy skillet and add onion. Salt and pepper to taste, then toss onion to coat with oil. Cook until translucent. Do not let the onion take on any color (caramelization) as you want it to end up soft and full-limp with no hint of crunch.

Meanwhile, place “torpedo” roll in oven, and heat until crust is slightly crisp. Remove from oven and let cool a bit, then slice in half lengthwise but not all the way through so as to leave a “hinge” along one side. With roll “closed” (so the inside stays warm), set aside.

Lower fire under skillet a bit, push the onion strands to the edge of the skillet, then add the marinated steak strips to the freed-up space. Separate strips and let cook long enough to turn the strips a light brown on the skillet side but with a generous hint of red still on the top side (about a minute or two; if you cook longer at this point the meat will go rubbery when it's finished). Turn strips, lay cheese slices on top, and let the steak strips cook until the other side goes a light brown (about a minute or so).

(Note: By cooking the marinated steak strips in the same pan as the onion, the juices from the onion will effectively cause the steak strips to be steamed rather than sautéed. This is exactly what you want as, given well-marbled, choice quality meat, the combination of the short marinade and the steaming will make the steak strips go wonderfully tender.)

Immediately the steak strips go light brown on the second side, remove the skillet from the fire completely and start tossing the strips with the cheese. When the cheese just begins to go liquid (underline, just begins; the cheese should go fully liquid only after the steak and cheese mixture is in the roll), open the “torpedo” roll, scoop out with a large, slotted serving spoon (slotted so that you don't pick up excess oil and juice from the pan) what is now a steak and cheese mixture and heap evenly into the opened roll. Scoop out the onion and heap evenly on top of the steak and cheese mixture. Add the hot cherry pepper strips, and top off the whole thing with ketchup to taste. Close roll, cut in half across the width, and plate.

You are now the proud possessor of a genuine, unbelievably super-terrific, ACD Philadelphia cheesesteak.

Serve with your beer of choice (mine is Guinness Stout). Be sure to supply yourself with a damp paper towel and a fork. You'll almost certainly need both as I've never met the person who can eat this thing cleanly and neatly.

Yum!