Oldies But Goodies

No matter how many times you've read 'em, they're always fun reading again. And if you've never read 'em, well, then, desist from eating or from sipping or drinking any liquids while reading, otherwise things could get messy.

• "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."

"Well dear, you know you can't do both."

• What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

• What did the drummer get on his IQ Test?

Saliva.

• What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

• What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?

They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

• Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?

In the long run, it saves time.

• What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

• What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?

About three decibels.

• What is another term for trombone?

A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

• Why do drummers leave their drumsticks on the dashboard?

So they can park in the handicapped zones.

• Why do people become trombonists?

Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

• How does a violist's brain cell die?

Alone.

• What do you call a guitar player who knows only two chords?

A music critic.

• How do you keep your violin from being stolen?

Put it in a viola case.

• What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?

You can tune a chainsaw.

• What question will you never ask a banjo player?

"Is that your Porsche in the driveway?"

• What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

• Why are harps like elderly parents?

Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

• How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?

Both command immediate attention, create alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.

• What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?

About eleven pounds.

• Why are violists' fingers like lightning?

They rarely strike the same spot twice.

• Tuba player to friend: "Did you hear my last recital?"

Friend: "I certainly hope so."

• Subito Piano: Notation in a score indicating an opportunity for some obscure and unwitting orchestra player to become a soloist.

• Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

• Vibrato: A technical device used by singers to hide the fact they're on the wrong pitch.

• Did you hear about the tenor who was so arrogant the other tenors noticed?

• How can you tell when a singer is at your door?

He (she) can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

• How do you get two bass players to play in unison?

Hand them charts a half-step apart.

• What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A vocalist.

• How do you get a guitarist to play softer?

Place a sheet of music in front of him.

• What do all great conductors have in common?

They're all dead.

• How do you get a three-member horn section to play in tune?

Shoot two of them.

• How can you tell whether the stage is level?

The drool comes out both sides of the drummer's mouth.

• Why are violas larger than violins?

They aren't. Violists' heads are smaller.

• What do you call a musician with a college degree?

Night manager at McDonald's.

(Our thanks to John Schweger who posted the above compilation to the Opera-L eMail list, but which compilation we've edited a bit for grammar and impact.)