The Future Of The Classical Music Concert

[Note: This post has been updated (1) as of 11:14 PM Eastern on 27 Feb. See below.]

If those who earnestly champion adopting pop cultural and mass-marketing methods to make the classical music concert more accessible and appealing to an untutored younger audience ultimately prevail, in future things might go something like this (courtesy of, and with apologies to, Monty Python's Flying Circus):

The stage of Carnegie Hall which is empty but for a spotlighted concert grand center stage with lid raised.

OFFSTAGE VOICE

"Here to play Beethoven's Sonata Number 29 in B-flat minor, Opus 106, the 'Hammerklavier', is the world-famous soloist Lang Lang. During the performance he will escape from a sack, three padlocks and a pair of handcuffs."

Lang Lang, enclosed in a sack, rolls into view, and starts wriggling vigorously about while his sack-entrapped hands reach for the keyboard and begin playing the sonata. After a minute a tall, shapely, long-legged female dressed in fishnet tights, high heels, etc. — the classic magician's assistant — enters, and with one hand on hip, with the other — arm extended and with a smile flashed at the audience — she, with the familiar gesture of presentation, directs attention to the still mostly sack-entrapped Lang Lang who continues his vigorous wriggling in an effort to completely escape the sack as he continues to play the sonata with his now mostly freed hands. He finally wriggles completely free from the sack, and, seating himself outfitted in full-dress tuxedo on the piano stool while still playing, continues playing until the next convenient cadence presents itself, then stops.

FLASHING SUPERTITLE

Lang Lang and Rita

The young Carnegie Hall audience, rising from their seats, break into wild applause and shouts of "Bravo!".

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Update (11:14 PM Eastern on 27 Feb): In an era where the perception-altering sketches of Monty Python's Flying Circus have become embedded within the cultural fabric of our everyday lives I thought my brief disclaimer of originality for this piece would be understood by all. Apparently not. So let me be specific: The scenario above is the invention of Monty Python's Flying Circus, not A.C. Douglas who merely updated and Americanized the references, and expanded the verbal description to stand surrogate for the absent visuals which constitute the heart of the almost 40-year-old original sketch. You can stop sending me eMails now.