Lox And Bagel

Here's how to make a lox and bagel sandwich.

What's that? You know how to make a lox and bagel sandwich?

No you don't. You only think you do.

Pay attention.

You need:

• (1) New York water bagel: plain, poppy seed, or caraway seed. Any other junk in or on the bagel is not permitted. (If you have no access to this delicacy, read no further. It's hopeless.)
• 1/4-3/8 lb very thinly sliced lox (salt-cured salmon; tough to find nowadays), or nova (lightly smoked, brine-cured salmon). Norwegian or Scottish nova is best. If you've no access to a genuine Jewish deli, this can be had pre-sliced in vacuum-sealed plastic packages in most high-class supermarkets. From here on in, I'll refer to both lox and nova as lox.
• 4 oz Philadelphia Cream Cheese, original style (no substitutes, and not the "lite" or "easy-spread" style either; it's loaded with chemical junk).
• (1) medium red onion
• (1) slice genuine imported Swiss cheese, thinly sliced (optional ingredient)
• Salt
• Freshly ground black pepper

Now, proceed as follows:

Bunch the lox slices loosely on a plate, and set aside to allow the lox to lose its initial refrigerator chill. The lox is at the right temperature when it just becomes completely limp.

Cut bagel in half through (along) its diameter. Very lightly toast, if desired.

From the center of the onion, slice off one or two tissue-thin slices. Leave slices whole, or separate into strands if desired.

On the bottom half of the bagel, lay down a slab of the full 4 oz of cream cheese (or as much of it as is necessary) to cover entire bottom half of bagel to a depth of 3/16"-1/4" at all points including the hole.

Lay down the sliced onion (or pile on the strands), and very lightly press into cream cheese. Lightly salt and pepper.

Plop the lox onto the onion. Do not lay down the lox in flat slices. Plopped lox contains lots of air spaces among the folds which work wonderfully to intensify the flavor of the lox. (To get an idea of what plopped lox looks like, pick up a slice of temperature-correct lox, and hold between your thumb and first two fingers. Raise the lox slice about a foot above the cutting board, and let the lox drop. What you see on the cutting board is properly plopped lox.) Lightly salt and pepper (if you're using regular lox rather than nova, forget the salt).

Gently gather the Swiss cheese slice between your fingers into a plopped (as opposed to flat) shape, and lay it on top of the lox.

Replace top of bagel.

Cut sandwich in half, top to bottom.

Let sit to meld all the flavors while you make a pot of coffee (at least three cups; two to drink with the sandwich, and one for after).

Serve sandwich with a glass of  iced water, and a cup of coffee.

Fress! Slowly savor each luscious bite. If you finish off the sandwich in less than 20 minutes you ate too fast, and savored too little.

Afterwards, light up a cigarette, pour a final cup of coffee, and luxuriate.

(Whaddaya mean you don't smoke? Makes no bloody difference. Smoke anyway. A lox and bagel sandwich without a closing smoke is like great sex without a closing smoke, or home without Plumtree's Potted Meat: incomplete.)

And never say I never did anything for you.